I am fighting with my brother about caring for mom. What can I do?

Many families experience conflict over what to do for an aging loved one. Some fight over who is doing the most work. Some argue and criticize the choices and work one sibling is doing for an aging parent. Others are in a constant state of disagreement over where their elder should live, or who should take care of the elder. All of these areas of conflict can be successfully addressed. If the family is unable to resolve their own disputes by talking them over in the family, it may be time to consider an outside source of help: elder mediation.

This is a process in which people who have a dispute choose an outside neutral person to work with them to air their differences and make a guided effort towards agreements. The parties sit down with the mediator, who is a trained professional, to negotiate solutions to the problems that are causing distress among them. Sometimes, the process only takes two or three hours. If there are multiple issues, the parties to dispute, may need to have two or more sessions with the mediator. The mediator does not tell the parties what to do, or decide the solutions for them. Rather, a mediator helps people to see things from a different point of view, and to reach their own negotiated agreements.

Mediation can save untold grief and stress, and can prevent things from boiling over into lawsuits and destructive actions by one family member against another. At Accordo Eldercare Mediation Specialists, LLC, we work to help families in dispute resolve their issues and enhance the quality of life for them and their elderly loved ones. Visit us at www.accordomediation.com

What is Mediation? How Can It Help?

Mediation is a way to resolve disputes by discussion and negotiation, using the help of a neutral person, the mediator. It is usually voluntary. Disputing parties agree to use mediation to avoid continued conflict, to avoid or end lawsuits by settlement of the dispute, or to "clear the air" of ongoing disagreement which has reached the point of stalemate.

Who can use Mediation?

Anyone who wishes to resolve a disagreement or conflict by meeting, talking, and accepting the guidance of a mediator can use mediation. It requires a willingness to come together in a neutral place and spend the time working to get the dispute resolved. It also takes a willingness to listen to the other party or parties to the disagreement, and to make some compromises or agreements with them.

What are the duties of a legal guardian for elderly parents?

The term “legal guardian” has different meanings in different states. I’ll take it to mean that your question applies to the duties of a person who was appointed guardian over an incompetent elder by a court. A guardianship is also called a conservatorship in some places. The guardianship can cover either the aging person’s money, or the person’s safety and welfare, or both.

The duties of a guardian, generally speaking, are to oversee the welfare and safety the aging person under guardianship, and to attend to the financial needs of the individual, using his or her assets wisely. A guardian has a legal duty, called a “fiduciary duty”, to act in the best interests of the individual. A guardian has total control over the aging person they are appointed to serve.

They can decide how to spend the elder’s money, where the elder will live, what medical care the elder will receive, and how much freedom the elder or aging parent has in his or her life. The powers can be total. An elder under guardianship loses the freedom to make decisions for himself or herself about all important aspects of life.

The guardian also has a duty to protect the aging elder from abuse, to keep complete records of all expenditures, and to report regularly to the court which appointed the guardian, as to the elder’s finances and status. The requirements vary somewhat from state to state, but generally, the court decides how often the guardian must return to court to report to the court how money is spent and what the status is of the elder. Being a guardian is a very heavy responsibility. It is formal, public and supervised.

Mediation and Eldercare Issues

Families face many challenges in providing continued, loving care for their elders. Many families struggle to communicate and to agree about the care of their parents or other family members. Often people don't know where to turn for help with the myriad of life-changing decisions to be made. Financial, housing, medical, care-giving, end-of-life and legal issues need to be considered. Caring families might disagree not only among themselves but also with their elderly parents, caregivers, facility administrators, and other professionals. Long-distance care-givers have their own areas of concern.


To be successful, Elder Mediation requires specialized elder experience. The transitions demanded by aging can strain family relationships. For older adults and their families, mediation is the low-stress alternative for resolving medical, financial, care provider, and interpersonal issues. Whether the subject is living arrangements, medical care, billing, consumer complaints, or estate planning, the process of mediation can turn the worst argument into a productive search for solutions. It is a non-adversarial way to resolve just about any kind of dispute involving elder persons.